GUEST: (very timidly approaches my desk) Pardon me, miss, but I wonder if you can’t assist me with a little problem in the room.
CONCIERGE: Absolutely ma’am, what seems to be the problem?
GUEST: Well I’ve just checked in, and it’s very nice, but the balcony in my room… (she trails off, looking very uncomfortable)
CONCIERGE: Is the door locked? I can send someone up to unlock it.
GUEST: No… (reluctantly, leans in and whispers) There’s some ham and men’s soiled underwear on my balcony.
(After a moment of shock, we immediately dispatched a room attendant to her room. Indeed there was a chunk of half-eaten spiral ham on the balcony, lying a few feet away from a pair of stained and wet tight whities. The attendant had just been there and was certain it hadn’t been there when she was there. We assumed a guest on a higher floor must have thrown them down, but after a cursory investigation, there didn’t seem to be any rowdy assholes on the floors above her. The only other explanation is that a robber broke in, bit into some ham, then immediately had food poisoning, shit himself, took off his underwear, and leapt to his death. Anyone with any more information, please send us private message.)
"I work at a hotel in Boston and got a call the other day."
ME: Thank you for calling the [name of hotel], how may I help you?
CALLER: Are your rooms inside?
ME: The building?
ME: Yes the hotel rooms are inside the building.
CALLER: Thank you.
No yurts for this guy!
GUEST: Do you know of any really good theater shows that play tonight, that are good that are just, y’know, really good?
CONCIERGE: Sure, it looks like we can still get you great seats for Chicago.
GUEST: Chicago. Is that any good?
CONCIERGE: Yes, it’s a fantastic dark comedic musical with the classic jazz choreography of Bob Fosse. It tells the story of Ro-
GUEST: Is it good?
GUEST: Oh. No, that’s okay.
A lot of the time, we’ll get super unclear questions from guests who are too tired, jetlagged, or fed-up to fully describe exactly what they want. To the untrained ear, these questions are impenetrably vague. However, since we hear the same 12 questions all day every day, we become mind readers.
Can you guess what these disoriented tourists are asking for? Answers at the end, but no cheating.
1) “Do you have those tickets for the show with the singin’ guys?”
2) “What about the bus?”
3) “How do we do the top?”
5) “Rey Leon.”
6) “Ghost of Theater.”
7) “Where’s the cake place?”
8) “Place where there is no buildings?”
9) “How ‘bout the place with all the boats?”
10) “Where’s that one pizza place?”
1) Jersey Boys
2) Gray Line Double Decker Bus Tour
3) Top of the Rock
5) The Lion King
6) Phantom of the Opera
7) Carlo’s Bakery
8) (*facepalm*) The 9/11 Memorial
9) South Street Seaport
10) Lombardi’s Pizza in Little Italy or Grimaldi’s Pizza in DUMBO
(Frankenstein’s monster, A Man who Looks Like Lisa Rinna and a Rigid Piece Of Plastic on Legs walk up to the desk.)
MONSTER: Where is the conference for plastic surgeons?
CONCIERGE: 3rd Floor.
MAN LISA RINNA: How’s the restaurant here?
PIECE OF PLASTIC: Thanks so much!
(They all either smile or express extreme horror. Hard to tell.)