Dinosaur Zoo

GUEST: Hello. Have you ever heard of a Bronx Zoo.
CONCIERGE: Yes. I am familiar.
GUEST: How are the dinosaurs there?
CONCIERGE: How are they?
GUEST: Yes. We are considering the dinosaurs there.
CONCIERGE: I’m not familiar with dinosaurs at that zoo.
GUEST: Their website says they offer a dinosaur safari.
(Concierge confirms that the Bronx Zoo offers some sort of dinosaur safari.)
CONCIERGE: As far as I can tell, it is a brief ride that takes you around to see animatronic dinosaurs.
GUEST: Very impressive, stuff, right?
CONCIERGE: I haven’t done the dinosaur safari, but the Bronx Zoo is wonderful. Most of it will be outside though.
GUEST: Oh, never mind. We want an indoor dinosaur safari.

I’ll give her the benefit of jet lag.

BRITISH GUEST: My credit card has been turned off for security purposes. Please help me ring my credit card company.
(Concierge picks up phone and helps dial. While the concierge does this, the guest picks up another phone nearby.)
BRITISH GUEST: I can’t hear them!
CONCIERGE: Right, because I’m calling them on my line.
BRITISH GUEST: No tone!
CONCIERGE: I’m calling them on my phone. That’s a different line.
BRITISH GUEST: Someone picked up! Hello? Hello? Operator? No! I’m trying to ring my bank!
CONCIERGE: Please hang up that phone. I’m calling them on this one.
BRITISH GUEST: (to phone) Yes? Hello? I need to ring my bank. The concierge can’t do it.
CONCIERGE: Ma’am, your bank is on the phone here Hang that one up.
BRITISH GUEST: (to phone) Let me get the number.
(Concierge takes phone from her and hangs it up. Hands her his phone.)
CONCIERGE: This is your bank. Type in your credit card number.
BRITISH GUEST: (to phone) Hello? Is there an operator?
CONCIERGE: It’s automated. Type it in.
BRITISH GUEST: Type what? On your keyboard?

"Does your bar have a ground?"

(A woman who is so she drunk she has transformed into a Walking  Bottle of Vodka approaches the desk.)


WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: Hiiiii. There’s a man…
(Long pause.)
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: How do I phrase this…
(Long pause.)
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: Where is your bar?
CONCIERGE: See those stairs about 10 feet from here? Right up those stairs.
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: But, like, is there a ground?
CONCIERGE: The bar… has a ground.
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: No, no. Where is the entrance to the hotel?
CONCIERGE: Opposite direction.
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: Great! The bar!
CONCIERGE: I need to know what you’re asking me. Are you looking to go to the bar? We only have one.
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: Yeah. Someone has my stuff and he’s on the ground at the bar.
CONCIERGE: Ok, so do you want to go to the bar?
(She nods.)
CONCIERGE: Well, that’s it.
(She tilts her head in confusion: an inebriated puppy.)
CONCIERGE: Right here…
(She tilts her head more.)
CONCIERGE: See where I’m walking these stairs?
(She just laughs.)

(The concierge eventually walks her up to the bar.)

CONCIERGE: Do you see the man you’re meeting?
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: No, no, no. I need the floor.
CONCIERGE: The entrance to the street?
WALKING BOTTLE OF VOKDA: I just want my stuff, man.
CONCIERGE: Ok. Focus—did he tell you to meet him at the bar of the [name of our hotel]?
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: Hmm. Let’s go for a walk and you can point things out to me.
CONCIERGE: No. I have a line of customers at the concierge desk. Here’s the bar. Do you see him?
WALKING BOTTLE OF VODKA: (rolling her eyes) I don’t know! Does this have a ground? Wait. You’re a concierge? Where’s some good sushi?

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duncan

It’s 3pm on a Tuesday. A drunk-as-fuck 19 year-old with missing teeth lumbers over to my desk. 

GUEST: Whazzizz. Whazzzzizz.
CONCIERGE: Hi, sir.

(His 3 friends, drinking Starbucks Milkaccinos, laugh hysterically behind him saying “Noooo, Duncan, dooooon’t.”)

CONCIERGE: How may I help you?
GUEST: (earnestly sounding it out off my sign) “Con… see… argh… guhh… jee..?”
CONCIERGE: Yes, concierge.
GUEST: (leans all the way in, whispering) The hell’zzzzz zzzah consuhgarge.
FRIENDS: Duncannn, sssstobbat. Stobbat, Duncannn! Yer sucha idiotttt.
CONCIERGE: Well, I can assist you with restaurant reservations, Broadway shows, transportation, sightseeing…
GUEST: (Duncan’s head is swimming, hard, against a current of words.) 
CONCIERGE: I’m a helper-person. I can help you.
GUEST: (leans all the way back, lolls head to the side, eyes fully closed) Where’s the clubs at. All the bars ‘n stuff, for clubs. Dancin’. 
CONCIERGE: Well there’s a bunch of bars over on-
GUEST: Not barzzz, we want clubs. We want all the bars and clubs and all that shit. A good dance club.
FRIENDS: Duncannnnnnn yer a dumbassssss.
CONCIERGE: Well there’s ___ over on __, they have a guest list you can get on for Thursday, there’s ___ over on ___, also there’s… (realizes Duncan is the drunkest person in the world)… on 42nd Street. Lots of clubs.
GUEST: Got a suit on.
CONCIERGE: I’m sorry?
GUEST: Y’got a suit on for a lady.
CONCIERGE: Yep!
GUEST: (begins laughing uncontrollably)
FRIENDS: Duncannn ssssstobbbb laughingggg
FRONT DESK AGENT: Hey guys, your room is ready!
GUEST: Ready for a PARTYYYY!
ALL: DUN-CAN!

(Credits roll)

morning voicemail #1

You have one new headache. To listen to your headaches, press one.

(boop)

The following headache was received today at six oh three am.

"Hi this is Doctor ___ in room 1508. I don’t know which restaurant it is, and I don’t know what time they made it for, and I don’t know which name it’s under, but I need you to get me a car there. It’s something Asian. The restaurant, not the name. We’re all… white. Please confirm that you’ve done this as soon as you get in. Thank you." 

To delete this headache, press 2.

(boop)

You have no new headaches. LOL JUST KIDDING GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

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subway bus

(A full-grown woman wearing a flowery knit cap and a cane from that cane infomercial approaches the desk.)

GUEST: You must know all up and down this here city!
CONCIERGE: Well, I know a bit! What can I help you with?
GUEST: Even down there in that Chinatown there?
CONCIERGE: Yes, even Chinatown!
GUEST: Where I can get my hands on one of them cheap Coach bags?
CONCIERGE: Well, there’s the knockoff ones down in Chinatown along Canal Street-
GUEST: A real Coach. For reeeeaaal cheap.
CONCIERGE: There’s a Coach outlet just outside the city that’s reachable by bus.
GUEST: How much?
CONCIERGE: The bus is-
GUEST: No, the bag. How much does the bag cost?
CONCIERGE: The price will vary depending on what they have in inventory. The bus to get there is $40 round trip.
GUEST: On the subway?
CONCIERGE: …No, on the bus.
GUEST: A subway bus?
CONCIERGE: No, just a bus. 
GUEST: Alright, figured I’d ask. Which way to Chinatown?

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coopershuttle, the van of nightmares

One of the things we do the most is calling a company we’ll call Cooper Shuttle to make reservations. If you’re some kind of heiress and have never taken Cooper Shuttle before, it’s a shared ride airport transportation nightmare van. You share it with 11 screaming infants and it takes 4 hours to get there and is always late and also never shows up and the driver is Vincent D’Onofrio’s character from “Men In Black.” It’s chaos. 

The phone agents who take the reservations are usually excellent, but their Achilles heel is last names. They all have a severe inability to distinguish between “actual last names of humans” and “nouns” or “made-up words.” They also take liberties with renaming people as they see fit.

Exhibit A - That Is Not A Name

CONCIERGE: Last name Ortega.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: YOU SAID POTATO??
CONCIERGE: Yes. Yes, this is for Mr. Potato.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: How many bags??
CONCIERGE: No bags, but hundreds of eyes!
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Room number?
CONCIERGE: The basement!
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Flight time?
CONCIERGE: 6 minutes on high, rotating halfway through!
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Pickup 2am.
CONCIERGE: Boy, he’ll be fried!
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: What?
CONCIERGE: Last name Ortega.

Exhibit B - The Ellis Island Maneuver.
CONCIERGE: Last name Polykhronis.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: What?
CONCIERGE: I’ll spell it. P like Peter, O like O-Town, L like-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: No.
CONCIERGE: No?
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: I’ll just put Peter.
CONCIERGE: But that’s not their-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Pickup 2am.
CONCIERGE: But-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: [click]

While last names are a challenge, they do all share the same expertise: deflecting concern about late pickups. Here’s a tip: if the dispatch tells you “5-7 minutes,” they pulled that number out of their butts. It usually means they’re hoping the guest will give up and hop in a cab.
Exhibit C - Pure Chaos
CONCIERGE: Hi I’m calling from the __ Hotel, late pickup for Mr.Erligmann.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Who?
CONCIERGE: Oh, right, you have him as Mr. Smith.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: One second. Beep boop hello phone call to the driver where are you okay great I’ll tell her. Driver says 5-7 minutes.
CONCIERGE: Okay, it’s just that the pickup was for 2am and it’s now 8:15.
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: 5-7 minutes.
CONCIERGE: Look I know you didn’t call him, can you please make sure he’s on his w-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Your name is now Mr. Brown.
CONCIERGE: What?
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Welcome to America Mr. Brown.
CONCIERGE: But I’m a woman-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: Proceed left for head lice check and nose measurements.
CONCIERGE: But-
COOPERSHUTTLE AGENT: [click]
I usually recommend taxis.

french people have a certain “je nais sais quoi”

A sexy mid-forties French couple approaches the desk.

GUEST: You speak French?
CONCIERGE: No, I’m sorry.
GUEST: (shakes head, very frustrated) No French.
GUEST’S WIFE: (starts rubbing nose furiously) Concierge? No French?
CONCIERGE: No, I’m sorry.
GUEST: (pulls out iPhone with a screenshot of a Google Map of the entire state of New Jersey) Where is New Jersey? Bus? Metro? Taxeee?
CONCIERGE: Where in New Jersey?
GUEST: (Shakes head) No French.
CONCIERGE: Where… in… New Jersey?
GUEST: Eh?
CONCIERGE: Jersey Gardens?
GUEST: No.
CONCIERGE: Newark?
GUEST: No.
CONCIERGE: Cake Boss?
GUEST: Threety-three.
CONCIERGE: Thirty-three? Is that an address?
GUEST’S WIFE: (butts in, entire index finger up nose) NEW CHAIRSEE.
GUEST: SHHH!! (shakes head) Threety-three… street.
CONCIERGE: Can you write it down?
GUEST: No. (shoves phone into my hands)
CONCIERGE: New Jersey is a big area. You are visiting a store? Business? A friend? Family?
GUEST: (swipes to another screenshot of a slightly smaller area in New Jersey) Here. We go here?
CONCIERGE: Can you point?
GUEST: (points to an area) Here.
CONCIERGE: (Googles the name of a park near where he’s pointing) Okay, that’s easy to get to by taxi or bus.
GUEST: Yes, is okay. We will get bus here? (points at an area on the river with no boats)
CONCIERGE: You could take the water taxi, but it’s still far when you arrive. Better taxi or bus.
GUEST: Okay, is okay. We take bus from here. (points at river)
CONCIERGE: No, sir, I don’t know why you want to leave from there, the bus goes from here. (points at Port Authority)
GUEST: No. No! Here! (points at river)
CONCIERGE: No, from here. (points at Port Authority)

(we have a pointing war.)

GUEST: NO Port Authoritee!!! We will go from HERE!!!!
CONCIERGE: Alright, sir. Can you swim?
GUEST’S WIFE: (arm is fully inside of head) I have poked the language center of my brain and can now speak perfect English. A taxi is okay. Thank you!

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