Precocious.

PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Good evening. Please write down a list of your top recommendations for dinner near here.
CONCIERGE: What kind of food?
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Write down the top 10 with the best reviews nearby.
(Concierge does.)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Now kid friendly restaurants through the city.
(Concierge does.)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Excellent. Top 3 restaurants in the city. Ones we can get into though. 
(Concierge does.)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Your favorite Italian restaurants?
(Concierge begins to…)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Northern only, please. Sorry to interrupt.
CONCIERGE: No problem.
(Concierge finishes with only Northern Italian Restaurants.)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Dessert places? And, please, don’t write down Dylan’s Candy Bar. We’ve done that.
(Concierge does.)
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Ah, yes. Junior’s. Of course. That will be fine… what’s your name? Ah, thank you [Name of Concierge.] I appreciate your assistance.
CONCIERGE: My pleasure. You are very polite.
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: One more thing. Do you like pizza? I do.
CONCIERGE: I do.
PRECOCIOUS 8 YEAR OLD: Cool!

PENS!?!?!?!?

(Guest approaches. Rolls eyes. Sighs.)
GUEST: Pens? I mean… just… don’t you have any pens?
CONCIERGE: Of course. How many do you need?
(Guest’s eyes widen then slowly roll.)
GUEST: Two! I need two pens!
CONCIERGE: Here you go.
(Concierge hands her 2 pens.)
GUEST: Well, finally.

One does not Google the Googler

MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Hi. I wonder if you could help me. Do you know what Google is?
CONCIERGE: ….Yes ma’am I do.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Where is it?
CONCIERGE: You mean their offices?
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: (fumbling with phone) Yeah. I’m supposed to meet my nephew for lunch and I can’t find the address. I’m goin’ through my email tryin’ to find where he said it was. Lemme find it…
CONCIERGE: I can look it up for you if you li-
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well hold on, let me find you the address…
CONCIERGE: Well I can just… search for it…
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well let me give you the address first…
CONCIERGE: I can look up the address…
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Hang on, almost got it…
CONCIERGE: It’s at the Chelsea Market on 9th Avenue and 14th Street.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: (looks up) How’d you find that so fast?
CONCIERGE: …Google.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well I know THAT, but how’d you find it?
CONCIERGE: (dies)

The Real Central Park

GUEST: What’s 5 things to do in Central Park?
CONCIERGE: There’s Strawberry Fields, Belvedere Castle, the Met, the Natural History Museum, and you can rent rowboats, 
GUEST: No no no. Something hip.
CONCIERGE: Oh. Um. Well, there’s a concert series-
GUEST: No. Like, you’re a real New Yorker, right? If you were gonna go there after work just to hang out, what would you do?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Buy drugs from a raccoon?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Sit on a root and look at garbage?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) I wouldn’t go to Central Park after work. It’s a dusty shopping mall.
CONCIERGE: (actually said) Some bullshit about picnics.
GUEST: Wow, cool! Thank you!

People of Brooklyn

MIDWESTERN MAN: Do you have a walking map of all of Brooklyn?
CONCIERGE: Well, we have some partial maps, and a bus and subway map or Brooklyn.
MIDWESTERN MAN: No no, something for walking all around. The whole thing.
CONCIERGE: Sure. At this point, we don’t stock those yet, but you can grab one at ___ on-
MIDWESTERN MAN: You don’t have full street maps of Brooklyn here for your guests?
CONCIERGE: Unfortunately no. 
MIDWESTERN MAN: Why not?
CONCIERGE: There just isn’t much demand.
MIDWESTERN MAN: (shakes head) Tell THAT to the people who live in Brooklyn.
CONCIERGE: (lives in Brooklyn) My apologies, sir.

They don’t teach basic child psych in business school

(A mid-30’s businessman sits down on one of the lobby couches with his 8-month-old baby. He plops the baby next to him, then turns away and pulls out his phone. The baby crawls around a bit, then attempts to crawl over the back of the couch. The dad eventually realizes, picks him up, and holds him close to his face.)

DAD: Hey! Listen. Careful. Caaarrrefullll. Okay? Careful. Got that? Carrrefulll. 

(The man goes back to his phone. The baby starts to crawl away again. He picks the baby back up.)

DAD: Hey! Careful. I need you to be careful, okay? Careful. Carrrefullll.

(Back to the phone. More crawling. More picking up.)

DAD: Hey! I need you to be careful! Caaaareful! Caaaareful!
BABY: LOOK. Guy. I can’t learn vocab or be reasoned with. I’m a fucking baby. Okay?
DAD: Oh my god, you’re totally right.
BABY: Yeah.
DAD: I feel like a dumbass.
BABY: It’s okay.
DAD: I should probably spend more time with you, huh.
BABY: I mean yeah.
DAD: Yeah.

(Silence.)

BABY: I mean I still kinda want to fracture my skull off the back off this couch.
DAD: Nope. Sorry.
BABY: But like-
DAD: Nope.
BABY: Ughhhh. You’re the worst.
DAD: Yeah, I know.

(Dad picks baby up, walks away. Baby is a baby.)

"Will they give it back to me?"

GUEST: Do you have somewhere I can store my bag?
CONCIERGE: Absolutely. Across the lobby with the bellmen. They’ll store your bag for you.
GUEST: What do I do?
CONCIERGE: Just give them the bag.
GUEST: Oh. But I’ll need it back. Will they give it back to me?
CONCIERGE: Just make it very clear that it’s not a gift, that you’re just letting them borrow it and it should be ok.

"My Daughter is a Firework."

GUEST: Do you have a recommendation for a store that dresses up girls as Katy Perry?
CONCIERGE: I do not.
GUEST: There’s no Katy Perry dress up store?
CONCIERGE: Well, there’s a great costume shop in the village called Halloween Adventure. They’ll have Katy Perry costumes.
GUEST: Oh, perfect. Perfect. I want to dress my daughter like Katy Perry.