Hotel Lifehack

Here’s a quick lifehack for any visitors to New York. If you’ve heard or read that something is “the best” and “most popular” restaurant in New York, don’t wait til 4 hours before to try to get a reservation for a group of 8 and then blame me when they’re fully booked for the entire week. 

With Great Power Comes The Great Oz

GUEST: We’re thinking of taking our 15 year old daughter to see the Spiderman musical. Can you help us with tickets?
CONCIERGE: Well, I’d love to, but Spiderman closed last year. Is there another show you’d be interested in?
GUEST: What’s good for a 15 year old girl?
CONCIERGE: Probably Wicked would be the best choice for her. That’s definitely the most popular show for teenage girls.
GUEST: Hm. I don’t know.
GUEST’S WIFE: It’s fine, George. We’ll just tell her it’s Spiderman but with witches.

Concierge Secret Nod #34

GUEST: Hi. I’m wondering if you can help me. Do either of you speak Spanish?
COWORKER: No, I’m sorry.
GUEST: Why not? I don’t understand. 
COWORKER: I apologize, but I can understand your English perfectly, sir. How can I help you?

(Guest lunges over the counter)

GUEST: I was in the army!!! Were you in the army?
COWORKER: I’m sorry?
GUEST: Did you defend this country???
GUEST: Did you almost die to defend this country?
GUEST: I almost die for you and you can’t speak Spanish for me??!?!

(Coworker takes a step back and turns to me. She gives me Concierge Secret Nod #34: “I’ve reached my capacity for being screamed at by deranged belligerent assholes and am going to go eat a snack somewhere so I don’t open my mouth and get myself fired.” I nod back. She grabs her phone and walks out.)

CONCIERGE: How can I help you, sir?
GUEST: Why she is so terrible?
CONCIERGE: It’s a mystery.
GUEST: Where is the bus?
CONCIERGE: It’s outside to the left.
GUEST: Thank you. 

(Guest walks away.)

Dino discounts

GUEST: Do you have discount tickets here for the Natural History Museum?
CONCIERGE: The tickets we have here are full price, but the museum is a suggested donation. If you go directly to the museum, you can pay whatever you like.
GUEST: So there’s no discounts?
CONCIERGE: Well there are a few ways to get discounted tickets, but the museum itself is pay-what-you-wish. 
GUEST: So you don’t have any discounts? We really don’t want to pay full price.
CONCIERGE: We don’t have discounts, we have full price tickets. You can go to the museum and pay 25 cents if you wanted to. 
GUEST: Okay, we’ll take those. (she plunks down her credit card)
CONCIERGE: No. The tickets here are full price. The museum is donation based.
GUEST: You just said I could pay whatever I want.
CONCIERGE: That’s if you go to the museum. Here, it’s a fixed price.
GUEST: Are you gonna start making sense anytime soon?
CONCIERGE: No I’m not I’m crazy
GUEST: I have never been wrong my kids probably hate me
CONCIERGE: The way I feel right now can’t be healthy in the longterm
GUEST: I’m the worst
GUEST: Okay glad we could have this talk
GUEST: I love dinosaurs
CONCIERGE: Everybody loves dinosaurs
DINOSAURS: Climb on my back let’s have an adventure

(Everyone has an adventure)

Ulcer Store



FRENCH TEENAGER: Please, where is, ehh, the Ulcer Store?
CONCIERGE: I’m sorry, which store?
FRENCH TEENAGER: Ulcer Store. For Ulcer clothing.
CONCIERGE: Are you… do you… ulcer?
FRENCH TEENAGER: Ulcer clothing. The Ulcer Store.
CONCIERGE: Ulcer Store?

Can you guess what she was asking for? First person to guess gets a prize.


The correct answer was Hollister. Congrats to freckles42! You’ve won a map of New York signed by the makers of this blog and the ghosts of several dead NYC historical figures. Peter Stuyvesant’s autograph is worth at least $30 on Ebay. Message us your address and keep an eye on that mailbox.

The moment my coworker ran out of “nice”

GUEST: Hi there. I need to borrow your lint roller.
COWORKER: We actually don’t have one back here, but the front desk should have one.
GUEST: Really? A concierge desk without a lint roller? That’s bad. That’s a standard thing for any concierge to have. You should really know that. I work in the industry and that’s like, Day 1 kind of thing.
COWORKER: I’m sorry, it’s just a space issue.
GUEST: Jesus. I have to run. You don’t have one here?
COWORKER: We have Scotch tape if you want to use that.
GUEST: That works….

(As Coworker is getting out tape)

GUEST: …But you know, a concierge should really have a lint roller. That is industry standard. You should really look into that. It’s important for a concierge to be all things to all people, y’know? That’s just the way it is in this business. Very simple thing to have. Not a hard thing to do for your guests.

(Coworker freezes, looks up at him while holding tape. The last shred of niceness runs screaming from her body.)

COWORKER: Sir, I can put the tape back in the drawer.
GUEST: N-no, that’s okay.

(He tapes himself)

GUEST: Thanks.
COWORKER: (eyes are now three shades darker) My pleasure, sir.

Shit happens.

A “VIP” guest recently complained that he checked into his room to find that the housekeeper had either not flushed the toilet or had, left, um… a “surprise” in the bowl for him.

He demanded a room upgrade, food and beverage credits and has demanded three meetings with managers to try to get free things. 

A manger looked into his account with our hotel brand to check out his previous stays at other properties. Apparently, this guest has checked into 4 of our hotels around the world in the past 3 months and claimed the housekeeper pooped in his toilet so he could get upgraded or get his room comped.

Either this is an extremely unfortunate coincidence or this man checks in, poops, then blames it on the housekeepers.

And before you think, “What a great way to get upgrades at hotels,” please know that he has now been banned from our hotel chain for life.