Liberty???

GUEST: We want to go to that Island with the prison on it.
CONCIERGE: Hm. The prison? In New York? Riker’s?
GUEST: It’s like a famous shut down prison out on an Island and they do tours.
CONCIERGE: You’re thinking of Alcatraz.
GUEST: Yes!
CONCIERGE: That’s in California, I’m afraid.
GUEST: What’s the Island in New York that tourists visit?
CONCIERGE: Our most famous tourist islands are the Statue of Liberty at Liberty Island and Ellis Island.
GUEST’S HUSBAND: Right. The prison at the Statue of Liberty.
CONCIERGE: Well, there’s no prison there.
GUEST’S HUSBAND: You sure?
CONCIERGE: I’m sure. It would be pretty ironic to have a prison at the Statue of Liberty.
GUEST: Why?
(beat)
CONCIERGE: Because… liberty?
GUEST: So if there’s not a prison, what do you do there?

#TBT: “Dubious”

We are now going to start a weekly Throwback Thursday to some of our original posts for our new followers who maybe haven’t had a chance to dig through the archives. Consider these our awkward high school photos 

GUEST: I need a salon appointment. Wash and blow on Saturday at 12.
(Concierge makes appointment.)
CONCIERGE: Alright. You are confirmed for a wash and blow at [NAME OF SALON] for Saturday at noon.
(GUEST rolls her eyes.)
CONCIERGE: Is that alright?
GUEST: Well, I’m just very dubious about the quality of a salon that actually has space at 12 on a Saturday. Is there another one you recommend?
CONCIERGE: So you want me to recommend a salon that won’t have space at the time you’re requesting?
GUEST: Yeah. Let’s try that.

http://howmaywehateyou.com/post/64305057386/dubious

Mile High Murder

This submission comes to us from the hilarious and amazing Ava Marcea.

___

(Guest walks up to reception desk, looks front desk agent up and down and makes a big “WOW” face.)

GUEST: You know what? My anaconda DO! You should make yourself a key to come up to my room.
FRONT DESK AGENT: (laughing) So I can murder you in your sleep?
GUEST: What’s that?
FRONT DESK AGENT: Oh. I just asked if you were you enjoying your suite?

SHOT. DOWN.

Want to submit your stories? DO THAT VERY THING.

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This is ‘Murrica!

GUEST: How much is shuttle?
CONCIERGE: $27 per person.
GUEST: Dollars or euros?
CONCIERGE: Dollars.
GUEST: Not 27 euro?
CONCIERGE: No. 
GUEST: Not euros?
CONCIERGE: No.
GUEST: Hm. Not euro, why?
CONCIERGE: The United States is a sovereign nation not affiliated with the European Union?
GUEST: What?
CONCIERGE: Because this is the United States and our currency is dollars.
GUEST: Oh. Is okay?
CONCIERGE: Yes, it is okay.
GUEST: Thank you.

This was brutal to overhear

COWORKER 1: Hey I meant to ask you, did you finish reading my play?
COWORKER 2: I did.
COWORKER 1: And?
COWORKER 2: If you didn’t write it, I wouldn’t have finished it.
COWORKER 1: I see. Why is that?
COWORKER 2: It wasn’t very good.
COWORKER 1: Oh. 
COWORKER 2: Yeah.
COWORKER 1: In what way?
COWORKER 2: Well it’s very, very slow. I think you could probably fix it if you went back in and rewrote all of it.
COWORKER 1: Gotcha, gotcha. What do you think I could do to help fix it?
COWORKER 2: Well, you could have some things happen.
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: Like, big changes. Or small changes. Any changes, really. It just, to me, wasn’t very interesting at all.
COWORKER 1: Got it. Is it the sort of thing you think a director can fix?
COWORKER 2: (sucks in through his teeth, sighs) I meeeaaannn… maybe….
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: And if you had like, a really, really, really good cast….
COWORKER 1: Yeah. Good idea.
COWORKER 2: Thanks.

(They both go to assist guests for a few minutes. Silence. Coworker 1 jogs back over.)

COWORKER 1: Sorry, lemme just pick your brain again.
COWORKER 2: Okay.
COWORKER 1: Did you get any suspense at all from it?
COWORKER 2: No. 
COWORKER 1: Got it. 
COWORKER 2: I mean in the stage directions where you wrote about how the stage action was suspenseful, I understood that you wanted it to seem suspenseful. But the actual words from the characters were not suspenseful.
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: That’s good that you’re writing, though.
COWORKER 1: 
Hey man, I really appreciate it.
COWORKER 2: Anytime.

No Taxation or Fridge Magnification Without Representation

BRITISH GUEST: We’re going to go out on a limb here. In America do you have something called “fridge magnets?”
CONCIERGE: Like, just any type of fridge magnet? New York themed ones or…
BRITISH GUEST: Well, they’re magnets, but for your fridge.
CONCIERGE: Oh. That explains it. Yes. America has fridge magnets.
BRITISH GUEST: Excellent!

CONCIERGE CONSIDERED RESPONDING: I’m sorry, but we dumped our supply of fridge magnets into Boston Harbor a few years ago.

Contagion

GUEST: Excuse me, where is- HACK! HACK! HACKHACKHACKHACKHACK!

(He coughs directly into my face several times without covering his mouth.)

CONCIERGE: Oh my! Are you okay?
GUEST: I am sorry.
CONCIERGE: It’s okay. Would you like some water?
GUEST: No, it’s okay.
CONCIERGE: Alright. What can I help you wi-
GUEST: HACK HACK HACK HACK

(A grown man is coughing onto my face. Openly. Freely. Without shame. I try to avoid the cough-breaths but it’s hard to do it without being rude.)

GUEST: I am sorry.
CONCIERGE: Would you like a tissue?
GUEST: No thank you. Where is the- HACKHACKHACKHACK

(More coughing. More into my face. I’ve never been as confident in my entire life as this man is, right now, while coughing onto the face of a woman he’s never met. It’s almost beautiful. I take inspiration from this moment.)

GUEST: I am sorry. I have a cold.
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Me too! Thanks!
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Cough into your elbow! Don’t you watch 
Sesame Street?
CONCIERGE: (actually said) What can I assist you with?
GUEST: Where is the circus?
CONCIERGE: There is no circus right now.
GUEST: No circus?
CONCIERGE: No circus.
GUEST: Okay thank you.
CONCIERGE: No, sir. Thank you.

(Concierge has instant flu, but believes in herself.)

Good idea, bro.

CONCIERGE: So unfortunately Peter Luger is fully committed until 11:30PM. Do you want 11:30 or try another night?
GUEST: Hm. Well if they don’t have 8, let’s do 9.
CONCIERGE: Ok. But they’re fully committed until 11:30PM. That will be the earliest we can get a table.
GUEST: Right. Right. I got it. So what if I do something early? Like 7?
CONCIERGE: They are fully committed until 11:30PM.
GUEST: Oh, ok. Ok. 6?
CONCIERGE: Well…
GUEST: Do this. Make a reservation for just one person and then the 3 of us will just show up and ask for more space.