One does not Google the Googler

MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Hi. I wonder if you could help me. Do you know what Google is?
CONCIERGE: ….Yes ma’am I do.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Where is it?
CONCIERGE: You mean their offices?
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: (fumbling with phone) Yeah. I’m supposed to meet my nephew for lunch and I can’t find the address. I’m goin’ through my email tryin’ to find where he said it was. Lemme find it…
CONCIERGE: I can look it up for you if you li-
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well hold on, let me find you the address…
CONCIERGE: Well I can just… search for it…
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well let me give you the address first…
CONCIERGE: I can look up the address…
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Hang on, almost got it…
CONCIERGE: It’s at the Chelsea Market on 9th Avenue and 14th Street.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: (looks up) How’d you find that so fast?
CONCIERGE: …Google.
MIDWESTERN WOMAN: Well I know THAT, but how’d you find it?
CONCIERGE: (dies)

The Real Central Park

GUEST: What’s 5 things to do in Central Park?
CONCIERGE: There’s Strawberry Fields, Belvedere Castle, the Met, the Natural History Museum, and you can rent rowboats, 
GUEST: No no no. Something hip.
CONCIERGE: Oh. Um. Well, there’s a concert series-
GUEST: No. Like, you’re a real New Yorker, right? If you were gonna go there after work just to hang out, what would you do?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Buy drugs from a raccoon?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Sit on a root and look at garbage?
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) I wouldn’t go to Central Park after work. It’s a dusty shopping mall.
CONCIERGE: (actually said) Some bullshit about picnics.
GUEST: Wow, cool! Thank you!

People of Brooklyn

MIDWESTERN MAN: Do you have a walking map of all of Brooklyn?
CONCIERGE: Well, we have some partial maps, and a bus and subway map or Brooklyn.
MIDWESTERN MAN: No no, something for walking all around. The whole thing.
CONCIERGE: Sure. At this point, we don’t stock those yet, but you can grab one at ___ on-
MIDWESTERN MAN: You don’t have full street maps of Brooklyn here for your guests?
CONCIERGE: Unfortunately no. 
MIDWESTERN MAN: Why not?
CONCIERGE: There just isn’t much demand.
MIDWESTERN MAN: (shakes head) Tell THAT to the people who live in Brooklyn.
CONCIERGE: (lives in Brooklyn) My apologies, sir.

They don’t teach basic child psych in business school

(A mid-30’s businessman sits down on one of the lobby couches with his 8-month-old baby. He plops the baby next to him, then turns away and pulls out his phone. The baby crawls around a bit, then attempts to crawl over the back of the couch. The dad eventually realizes, picks him up, and holds him close to his face.)

DAD: Hey! Listen. Careful. Caaarrrefullll. Okay? Careful. Got that? Carrrefulll. 

(The man goes back to his phone. The baby starts to crawl away again. He picks the baby back up.)

DAD: Hey! Careful. I need you to be careful, okay? Careful. Carrrefullll.

(Back to the phone. More crawling. More picking up.)

DAD: Hey! I need you to be careful! Caaaareful! Caaaareful!
BABY: LOOK. Guy. I can’t learn vocab or be reasoned with. I’m a fucking baby. Okay?
DAD: Oh my god, you’re totally right.
BABY: Yeah.
DAD: I feel like a dumbass.
BABY: It’s okay.
DAD: I should probably spend more time with you, huh.
BABY: I mean yeah.
DAD: Yeah.

(Silence.)

BABY: I mean I still kinda want to fracture my skull off the back off this couch.
DAD: Nope. Sorry.
BABY: But like-
DAD: Nope.
BABY: Ughhhh. You’re the worst.
DAD: Yeah, I know.

(Dad picks baby up, walks away. Baby is a baby.)

"Will they give it back to me?"

GUEST: Do you have somewhere I can store my bag?
CONCIERGE: Absolutely. Across the lobby with the bellmen. They’ll store your bag for you.
GUEST: What do I do?
CONCIERGE: Just give them the bag.
GUEST: Oh. But I’ll need it back. Will they give it back to me?
CONCIERGE: Just make it very clear that it’s not a gift, that you’re just letting them borrow it and it should be ok.

"My Daughter is a Firework."

GUEST: Do you have a recommendation for a store that dresses up girls as Katy Perry?
CONCIERGE: I do not.
GUEST: There’s no Katy Perry dress up store?
CONCIERGE: Well, there’s a great costume shop in the village called Halloween Adventure. They’ll have Katy Perry costumes.
GUEST: Oh, perfect. Perfect. I want to dress my daughter like Katy Perry.

Existential Wednesday

GUEST: I don’t know if it’s too early to check-in or not, but is there somewhere I can store my bag?
CONCIERGE: Well, check with the front desk first. A room might be available, if not, the bellmen are those gentlemen just to the right of the front desk. You can store your bags with them.
GUEST: No. My email said I couldn’t check in until 4. Isn’t there somewhere I can store my bags?
CONCIERGE: That’s…
(Concierge ponders the futility of life. Why are we here? What’s our purpose? Do people see blue like I see blue or do we all see a different color of blue?)
CONCIERGE: Ok.

PASTA EMERGENCY

Email from Italian travel agency:

"Dear Sir,
we inform you that we have booked one room from July 26 to August 2 for mr ___. He has just sent 7 parcels of pasta to your adress with delivery on July 26. Please keep them and deliver them to him at his arrival.
Let me know if everything is ok.
Best regards,
____”

We responded to let her know that as long as he put the same name on the package as there was on the reservation, it would be held for him until his arrival. She confirmed receipt and thanked us.

A week later, a different agent from the same agency emailed us:

"We URGENTLY need to know if you have understood Mr ___ has sent some parcels of pasta to the ____ Hotel to get when he arrives on July 26. Please we await a very prompt reply!!!!!! It is 7 parcels of pasta. Please, he will be needing for his trip.
Best regards,
____”

Are the stakes high enough? Are there enough people involved? That whole travel agency is like the “Zero Dark Thirty” of pasta delivery. We let her know it was fine. 

Actual picture of Mr. ____:

"Someplace nearby for sheet music"

GUEST: Is there some music shop nearby?
CONCIERGE: Yes, for music like CD’s and sound equipment, there’s Best Buy on 5th Avenue and 46th Street. Is that what you mean?
GUEST: No. Ehh, some shop for maybe pages of paper music.
CONCIERGE: Sheet music?
GUEST: Ah, yes! Blank sheets to write music. Or some instruments. Or something like this. Nearby the hotel.
CONCIERGE: Well the closest place for that kind of thing would be Sam Ash, down on 34th between 8th and 9th. But it’s a 25 minute walk.
GUEST: (shakes head) 25 minutes. This does not sound close to me. 
CONCIERGE: I understand, it’s just there’s not a whole lot of stores that sell blank sheet music on this block.
GUEST: (shocked) No?
CONCIERGE: No.
GUEST: (makes a big face like I’ve ruined the planet, walks away)

image

Pittsburgh sounds fun!

GUEST: Any events going on tonight?
CONCIERGE: Well, hundreds. Live music, comedy, theater…
GUEST: No, no, no. In Pittsburgh we have events like “The Taste of Pittsburgh” or “The Fourth of July Parade.”
CONCIERGE: Right. No special city-wide events necessarily, but let me give you this copy of Time Out New York so you can…
GUEST: No. Like, do you have any fun events or musicians?
CONCIERGE: Right. Well, I know Katy Perry is at MSG tomorrow, but besides that there are quite a few and it’s hard to keep track of everything going on in a given night, so I use Time Out New York to help pinpoint it based on what you’re looking for. Festivals, tastings…
GUEST: No. I’m from Pittsburgh so I’m not looking for something like that. We have events in Pittsburgh. I’m looking for events.
CONCIERGE: I’m familiar with the concept of events. I’m afraid there are no more events in New York City for the week.
GUEST: Ok.
(Beat)
GUEST: Well, I’m going to that restaurant you recommended earlier. If it’s bad, I’m going to come back and tell you so.
CONCIERGE: Please do, but I may not be here. I may be out at an event.