GUEST: We want to go to that Island with the prison on it.
CONCIERGE: Hm. The prison? In New York? Riker’s?
GUEST: It’s like a famous shut down prison out on an Island and they do tours.
CONCIERGE: You’re thinking of Alcatraz.
CONCIERGE: That’s in California, I’m afraid.
GUEST: What’s the Island in New York that tourists visit?
CONCIERGE: Our most famous tourist islands are the Statue of Liberty at Liberty Island and Ellis Island.
GUEST’S HUSBAND: Right. The prison at the Statue of Liberty.
CONCIERGE: Well, there’s no prison there.
CONCIERGE: I’m sure. It would be pretty ironic to have a prison at the Statue of Liberty.
CONCIERGE: Because… liberty?
GUEST: So if there’s not a prison, what do you do there?

#TBT: “Dubious”

We are now going to start a weekly Throwback Thursday to some of our original posts for our new followers who maybe haven’t had a chance to dig through the archives. Consider these our awkward high school photos 

GUEST: I need a salon appointment. Wash and blow on Saturday at 12.
(Concierge makes appointment.)
CONCIERGE: Alright. You are confirmed for a wash and blow at [NAME OF SALON] for Saturday at noon.
(GUEST rolls her eyes.)
CONCIERGE: Is that alright?
GUEST: Well, I’m just very dubious about the quality of a salon that actually has space at 12 on a Saturday. Is there another one you recommend?
CONCIERGE: So you want me to recommend a salon that won’t have space at the time you’re requesting?
GUEST: Yeah. Let’s try that.

Mile High Murder

This submission comes to us from the hilarious and amazing Ava Marcea.


(Guest walks up to reception desk, looks front desk agent up and down and makes a big “WOW” face.)

GUEST: You know what? My anaconda DO! You should make yourself a key to come up to my room.
FRONT DESK AGENT: (laughing) So I can murder you in your sleep?
GUEST: What’s that?
FRONT DESK AGENT: Oh. I just asked if you were you enjoying your suite?


Want to submit your stories? DO THAT VERY THING.

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This is ‘Murrica!

GUEST: How much is shuttle?
CONCIERGE: $27 per person.
GUEST: Dollars or euros?
GUEST: Not 27 euro?
GUEST: Not euros?
GUEST: Hm. Not euro, why?
CONCIERGE: The United States is a sovereign nation not affiliated with the European Union?
GUEST: What?
CONCIERGE: Because this is the United States and our currency is dollars.
GUEST: Oh. Is okay?
CONCIERGE: Yes, it is okay.
GUEST: Thank you.

This was brutal to overhear

COWORKER 1: Hey I meant to ask you, did you finish reading my play?
COWORKER 2: I did.
COWORKER 2: If you didn’t write it, I wouldn’t have finished it.
COWORKER 1: I see. Why is that?
COWORKER 2: It wasn’t very good.
COWORKER 1: In what way?
COWORKER 2: Well it’s very, very slow. I think you could probably fix it if you went back in and rewrote all of it.
COWORKER 1: Gotcha, gotcha. What do you think I could do to help fix it?
COWORKER 2: Well, you could have some things happen.
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: Like, big changes. Or small changes. Any changes, really. It just, to me, wasn’t very interesting at all.
COWORKER 1: Got it. Is it the sort of thing you think a director can fix?
COWORKER 2: (sucks in through his teeth, sighs) I meeeaaannn… maybe….
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: And if you had like, a really, really, really good cast….
COWORKER 1: Yeah. Good idea.
COWORKER 2: Thanks.

(They both go to assist guests for a few minutes. Silence. Coworker 1 jogs back over.)

COWORKER 1: Sorry, lemme just pick your brain again.
COWORKER 1: Did you get any suspense at all from it?
COWORKER 1: Got it. 
COWORKER 2: I mean in the stage directions where you wrote about how the stage action was suspenseful, I understood that you wanted it to seem suspenseful. But the actual words from the characters were not suspenseful.
COWORKER 1: Got it.
COWORKER 2: That’s good that you’re writing, though.
Hey man, I really appreciate it.
COWORKER 2: Anytime.

No Taxation or Fridge Magnification Without Representation

BRITISH GUEST: We’re going to go out on a limb here. In America do you have something called “fridge magnets?”
CONCIERGE: Like, just any type of fridge magnet? New York themed ones or…
BRITISH GUEST: Well, they’re magnets, but for your fridge.
CONCIERGE: Oh. That explains it. Yes. America has fridge magnets.

CONCIERGE CONSIDERED RESPONDING: I’m sorry, but we dumped our supply of fridge magnets into Boston Harbor a few years ago.



(He coughs directly into my face several times without covering his mouth.)

CONCIERGE: Oh my! Are you okay?
GUEST: I am sorry.
CONCIERGE: It’s okay. Would you like some water?
GUEST: No, it’s okay.
CONCIERGE: Alright. What can I help you wi-

(A grown man is coughing onto my face. Openly. Freely. Without shame. I try to avoid the cough-breaths but it’s hard to do it without being rude.)

GUEST: I am sorry.
CONCIERGE: Would you like a tissue?
GUEST: No thank you. Where is the- HACKHACKHACKHACK

(More coughing. More into my face. I’ve never been as confident in my entire life as this man is, right now, while coughing onto the face of a woman he’s never met. It’s almost beautiful. I take inspiration from this moment.)

GUEST: I am sorry. I have a cold.
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Me too! Thanks!
CONCIERGE: (wanted to say) Cough into your elbow! Don’t you watch 
Sesame Street?
CONCIERGE: (actually said) What can I assist you with?
GUEST: Where is the circus?
CONCIERGE: There is no circus right now.
GUEST: No circus?
CONCIERGE: No circus.
GUEST: Okay thank you.
CONCIERGE: No, sir. Thank you.

(Concierge has instant flu, but believes in herself.)

Good idea, bro.

CONCIERGE: So unfortunately Peter Luger is fully committed until 11:30PM. Do you want 11:30 or try another night?
GUEST: Hm. Well if they don’t have 8, let’s do 9.
CONCIERGE: Ok. But they’re fully committed until 11:30PM. That will be the earliest we can get a table.
GUEST: Right. Right. I got it. So what if I do something early? Like 7?
CONCIERGE: They are fully committed until 11:30PM.
GUEST: Oh, ok. Ok. 6?
GUEST: Do this. Make a reservation for just one person and then the 3 of us will just show up and ask for more space.